A Wish List – Bereavement is not contagious


During our Grief Group Wednesday night, our facilitators gave us a copy of a Wish List that they had come across a few years ago and have been sharing with theirs groups.  Many of us found it really great and quite applicable.

Not all will apply to everyone, but many do apply.  For example – taking/getting them out.  This will help many, but not everyone.  Each individual is at a different stage in their grief and will know when they are ready to do certain things.

For anyone who has lost someone close, you may find it quite helpful also.  We wanted to share it with you.  The author is unknown.  There are some different versions out there, but this is the one we chose and like.

 

A WISH LIST

  • I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one’s name.  They lived and were important and I need to hear their name.

 

  • If I cry and get emotional if we talk about my loved one, I wish you knew that it isn’t be because you hurt me:  the fact that they died causes my tears.

 

  • You have allowed me to cry and I thank you.  Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

 

  • I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs.  I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good cry my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling.

 

  • Being Bereaved is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t stay away from me.

 

  • I wish you all the “crazy” grief reaction that I am having are in face very normal.  Depression, anger, fear, hopelessness and questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.

 

  • I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in 6 months.  The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for me.  As with alcoholics, I will never be “cured” or a “formerly bereaved”, but forevermore be recovering from my bereavement.

 

  • I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief.  I may gain weight, lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a host of illnesses and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.

 

  • Our loved one’s birthday, the anniversary of their death and the holidays can be terrible times for us.  I wish you could tell that you are thinking of us and them on these days.  And if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that are thinking about them and don’t try to coerce us into being cheerful.

 

  • I wish you wouldn’t offer to take me out for a drink, or to a party, this is just a temporary crutch and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it.  I have to hurt before I can heal.

 

  • I wish you understood that grief changes people.  I am not the same person I was before my beloved died and I will never be that person again.  If you keep waiting for me to “get back to my old self” you will stay frustrated.  I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs.  Please try to get to know this different me – I’m the one who’ll be here from now on.

Author Unknown

Bereavement - loss of child

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2 thoughts on “A Wish List – Bereavement is not contagious

  1. I believe it doesn’t work for everyone and that the best course of action is to let the grieving cope with things in their own way and don’t bring up the name of the person they lost, especially if it’s a child, or the stuff that you are doing with your child that they won’t be able to do with their child ever. Just shut up and listen to the grieving person. They realize you mean well and may not tell you if you are hurting them because they know you don’t mean to hurt them. So, I agree with what you had underscored in your introduction to the piece, it’s not a one size fits all package but there are some points in the list that really are helpful.

    • Thank you for your comment. I’m glad some points were helpful. Everyone is at different stages and therefore as mentioned, different ones may apply to some at different stages. Each person is different and therefore grieves differently, but having the love and support of family and friends and even professionals sometimes, helps many through the process. There is no time limit for grief, it’s a continuing journey of recovery and figuring out who you are now, your purpose, how to move forward and even begin to see some positive things in your life again. Thank you for sharing.

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